Mall Mayhem
by reboogia
Summary: Gaara and his gross raver pants get turned down by Juicy Couture Naruto. Will Sasuke's frustration with his wanton angel be Gaara's ticket to Naruto's love? Rated M for later chapters and comical jizz. GaaNaru, ambiguous SasuNaru.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry. NOT! Don't own any characters.

CHAPTER 1

"Go away, weirdo!" The resounding splash of a slurpee on a face rang out in the mall food court. "I'm gonna call the cops on your creepazoid ass if you don't leave me alone!" Frustrated, lonely seafoam eyes peered out from a damp dripping curtain of red stained slurpee orange.

"Yeah, scram, scrub!" A muscle tee clad chest shoved him backward and he landed on his creepazoid ass, chains on his rave pants jingling and jangling. The boy heard a loud tearing and knew that only more embarrassment awaited him should he stand. So he remained on the food court tile, gazing longingly up at his track-light sillhouetted angel.

"Sasuke, take me home," Naruto whined. Sasuke picked up the Juicy Couture bag full of velour track combos in every shade of orange his boyfriend was able to bitch out of the store. Sasuke gave a grunt and took his lover's perfectly manicured hand in his, not sparing a last glance at the soaked, soggy scrubby Hot Topic LOSER.

"Mark me, mall food court," Gaara declared, "he will be panting at my army boot clad feet! So help me, Satan!"

NARUTO P.O.V.

OMG, what a freakazoid! I'm so glad big strong Studsuke was there to make sure he didn't drool all over my brand new Versace bag (but WHO WOULDN'T!). Right now, we're cruisin 90 in a school zone in Sasuke's souped up T-bird. Oh, he makes me so horny!- but now I'm BORED.

"Sasuke, let's go home!"

"Okay, ba-"

"I wanna go HOME!"

"You got it, sugar." We're now going 110 througgh somebody's yard, but FUCK THEM because I got a look at their dog, and it was severrrrrely unmanicured! Have they even HEARD of dog manicure technology? I scoff, as Sasuke reaches a wandering hand toward my velour encased unmentionables, and return the favor by sending over a wandering hand of my own to grip his dick in an iron maiden of PAIN.

"OW!" Sasuke wailed, screeching on the brakes.

"Drive faster!" I snapped authoritatively. "We're not even MOVING!"

"Sorry... wh-why'd you do that, baby?"

"Cuz I FELT LIKE IT!" I informed him. "And maybe I'm startin to FEEL LIKE IT AGAIN!"

I'm SO MAD. But, he floors it like a good boy and I'm in my driveway before I know it. We kiss on the hood of the car, strippin' down to our jockstraps, while my mom hoses us down in an attempt to break us apart, but she doesn't understand REAL love!

"Sasuke, come inside!" I whisper huskily. "We can lock my mom out..."

"That's not the only time you're gonna ask me to do that," Sasuke quips intelligently.

"Ew!" I shove his muscley muscles until he lands on his bubble butt. "You're gross! Gross! Mom, hose this grosshead off of our property!"

"But baby, I need you!"

"Oh, nevermind, mommy." I shove past her and she lands in the driveway. I hope she gets hit by a car and DIES. "We're gonna use your room!"

We walked upstairs, hand in hand, when suddenly my dad burst out of his office like a big dumb hermit crab out of a big dumb shell.

"Hi, sport!"

"EWWWW!" I clutch to Sasuke's bulging bicies. "Get away from me, crab!"

My dad doesn't say anything, I think he understands. He returns to his shell and lets us pass... maybe I won't shove him in the driveway today.

Once we get to my gorgeous room, I'm pushed up against my PB Teen Day Planner that's the size of the wall and have a velour encased boner rubbed up in my velour encased butt.

"Oooh, I'm gonna give it to you so hard," Sasuke growls in my ear. I shove him away with my back muscles.

"I'M BORED." I inform him. "YOU'RE BORING. GO AWAY, GET ME ANOTHER BOYFRIEND... NOW SASUKE!"

He appears hurt, but who cares, I have to show him who's boss. "NOW. Sasuke."

He leaves. He better be getting me another boyfriend, or we're BREAKING UP. I flop onto my flouncy, bouncy pinky bed and whip out my phone.

"999 new messages?" I squeal. "I'm KING OF THE WORLD!"

Nothing could go wrong!

... Right?


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

GAARA P.O.V.

"How was school, buddy?" My quivering brother inquires from the entrance to his lair. "Make any friends?"

"Shut the fuck up Kankuro," I command.

"Make any buddies?"

"NO." I didn't go to school. I went to the mall instead to buy some new chains for my pants... but they got all jingly and dirty when I got smashed by the hammer of betrayal and crushed by the anvil of love.

"Okay," says the retard. "Temari got you some corn po-"

"I HATE CORN POPS." He should know that!

"B-but I thought-"

"YOU THOUGHT NOTHING." I kick him in the balls. "KNAVE."

I step over my crumpled sobbing sib on the way to my room. You can tell its mine because it says DON'T ENTER with a biohazard symbol and other trendy sorts of symbols.  
Once inside, I whip out my knifes and start cuttin' away. I've perfected the art of cutting with one hand while jackin' off with the other, it's a seamless process and an incomparable rush... except perhaps, to the rush i get when I see... _him_.  
As soon as his sunless-tanned face appears in my mind's mind I start goin NUTS. I'm all over my dick! I hope nobody comes i-

"Hey Gaara, sweetie I got you some corn pop OH! Oh my, oh I'm so sorry-"

"OUT WOMAN!" I cry, not relinquishing my hold on the serpent or on the blade, just cuttin and jizzin all over my sister. She screams but does not dare run. Another day, another jizz on my sister.

That evening, after a meal of Corn Asshole-tasting Fucknuts, I stomp clinkily up to my room and slam the door, flopping onto my stinky musky bed and pulling out Ol' Faithful... my gun.  
"Today's the day, Ol' Faithful," I grin, "finally, we get to do our dance."

"Gaara, are you okay in there?" Calls the bitchmothersister. "I thought I heard you talking to your gun..."

"LEAVE ME!" I roar. "Or BY BEELZEBUB YOU WILL BE ICED, BITCH!"

I hear her pretty little feet scamper down the hall. Good. Now, to make this particularly bloody...

Ding!

"What in hells blazes..." I reach in all of my 32 pockets for my phone. Finally I fish it out, and the screen reads a strange alien message:

_1 Unread Text._

I maneuver the mechanisms to open the message, which reads:

_Is this that one gross kid_

I reply:

_Yes. Who's asking?_

My eyes twinkle in surprise when the message appears:

_Sasuke Shellhart. Listen, scrub, I got a favor to ask._

My brow crinkles with disappointment. Why not my angel? Why NEVER my angel?

_Go on._

As I scan the next message, my eyes widen and my boner returns full throttle:

_Babes wants another boyfriend. You game?_

Am I game? AM I GAME? My fingers can't decide whether they should cut, masturbate, or answer! After doing all three, I recieve the following:

_Sweet. Be at the mall 2morrow at 3. Wear your best parachutes._

As if I would wear anything less!


	3. Chapter 3

-Chapter Three-

Naruto P.O.V.

(songfic)

_It's a perfect da-ay! Nuthin's standin' in my wa-ay!_

My beautiful baby blues blink the eye crap away and fall upon my junk strangled uncomfortably in a pink fuzzy thong. Oh yeah, I dozed off during my phone pic sexting sesh with my friend Kiba, he's probably sooo pissed! Whatever! He can just hump my leg in study hall or whatever he does.

"MOM!" I sing. "Where's my velour tracksuit?"

"Which one?"

"THUH ONE!" What a dumbitch. "MY NEW ONE!"

"It's probably in your hot boyfriend's sweet ride, want me to give him a call?" I can hear the buttons popping as she rips off her momjeans. They hit the ground about the same time as my dad's tears.

"Ugch, you can have him!" I spray a little Aquanet into my bouffant. "He is like, sooo last season. Plus, we're not _speaking_." I cut off her response because I could give a shit and asked her to take me to school. Once she found all her buttons off the floor we hopped in the family van.

The ride was whatever, I mostly just picked fuzzes and Sasuke hairs off my Juicy's while my mom fogged up the mirror with her gross breath. She dropped me off two blocks away so nobody would see me getting out of the Son of Clunkenstein, and said goodbye or something. I don't really remember cuz as soon as I got out I was surrounded by like TWENNY GUYS.

"Hey babe," one of them said while he unzipped his fly, "come here often?"

"To school?" I popped my dubble bubble. "Not really."

"Looks like we're in luck," said a big beefy black guy or two. My mom drove off.

About half an hour later I bled my way into Homeroom. I thought I could get by my sunless-tan addict, I mean TEACHER, but he just turned around with that big stupid concerned face like he always does when I get raped.

"Naruto, what happ-"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS but if you really must know, I just got totally railed by some rapists, while you toolboxes were sitting in seats!" I gesture to those seats, gad they're so stupid "these big stupid brown seats!"

"Naruto, can we have a word outside?" He asks, tears streaking his sunless tanner.

"How bout one word? Inside?"

"Okay."

"That was it! That was the word. Inside. Now fuck off and leave me to bask in my afterglow!"

He seemed pretty satisfied if those were tears of satisfaction. I whipped out my phone and called Kiba. I heard his phone ringing across the room. He looked at it, and then looked at me, all "what?" and didn't answer. What the hell! He totally didn't answer right in front of my face!

"See if I ever give you a phonejob ten minutes from now AGAIN!"

He's about to answer when we both hear this really gross scream from the back of the room.

"Gaara, would you like to go to the office?" Iruka asks. OHHHhhgawd of course, I turn around and there he is, all screaming and holding his greasy hair with those nasty ass chipped ass painted black nail hands. Fricken EW!

"Fricken EW!" I exclaim. "Sasuke, get me a slurpee!"

I look around when there isn't a slurpee in my hand. Kiba over there, humpin the desk leg, my teacher crying like usual, and the scrub lookin' like he could use a couple scrubs with a bar of "Stop Screaming Soap." But no Sasuke. God, what the hell again!

"I'M LEAVING. YOU GUYS CAN SIT IN CHAIRS ALL DAY IF I CARE!" I swing mine (chair) through the window for emphasis. "BUT I DON'T!"

I toss a Slim Jim out with it. "Go get it Kiba!" He jumps out the window, I hope he dies. But then comes back in ten minutes for our live action phone action. Meanwhile, I gotta find my MAN! Or any other man for the next nine minutes. I hope my butt stops bleeding before then.


	4. Chapter 4

-Chapter Four-

Gaara P.O.V.

(songfic)

"_And you a parasite, just find another host, just another fool to roast, cause you, my tapeworm tells me what to do"_

My eyes shoot open like a couple of sight grenades and I give the dawn a shriek for waking me from my slumber. I hear Temari shriek too, she must have just woke up as well. I fling my baby blanket off and roll around in agony for a few minutes before I finally just roll the fuck off the bed and address my morning wood. I jizz all over my baby blanket thinking of blue eyes and plump cheeks and a tan muffintop hanging over a fuzzy pink thong. Time to get dressed!

I have about 1 pair of pants so that's the obvious choice. I pick up my Hot Topic bag and hook a few of my new chains up to dress it up. As if these pants needed more chains. Which they did, obviously. The hard choice is between my three shirts:

I can't hear you, the voices in my head are too loud (written in blood)

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me (written in blood)

There are voices in my head and they make for a funny shirt (written in blood)

I decide to go with more is more and just put on all three. Fuck yeah, I look so good he won't be able to resist.

"Hey buddy, you wanna ride to school?" The gimp pokes his head in the doorway, "we can listen to Godsmack…?"

As if I'm not going to anyways. Although I'm tempted, I'm more tempted to ride the bus. And to give those nuts a solid kick.

"Whaddaya say, champster? I was gonna stop at Coffee People, I bet Temari will give us a couple bucks for one of those scones you seem to like-"

I do like those scones. "I don't like those scones," I growl.

"O-okay, well there's those hard boiled eggs, two for a buck!"

"…"

"Well, okay Gaara, but all we have at home is… uh…" he starts to sweat "…you know, I don't really wanna bring em up… after last night…"

My eyes narrow. "Say it, knave." He opens his flapping jaws "And if it's Corn Pops I will shoot you right in your fat mouth."

He pauses. "Well, uh, I'm not gonna say it then."

"SAY IT!"

"GAWHH no bye!" He's out the door before I can even tell him I wanna take him up on that ride. What a dick. Well, looks like it's the bus, despite the fact that I live about a 5 minute walk from school. However, my pants aren't really built for speed. I give myself one more once over in the bathroom mirror between the huge cracks caused by my punches and call down to my sister.

"LUNCH MONEY!"

"AAAugh!" Temari cries. I hear the china break. "O-okay, Gaara! Please… um… don't spend it on chains this time…"

I hear her run out the back door when I stomp and jingle my way down the stairs towards her, roaring ferociously. The nerve! Well, it would appear she shat my lunch money in fear all across the kitchen floor, so I gather it up and bid her cowering silhouette farewell.

Although the bus is coming in three minutes, I light up a cigarette and smoke it right there. Right in front of all the other kids. God I'm so fucking hardcore, I hope my angel sees me but I know he doesn't see much of anything when him and that manwhore of his are flying at reckless speeds through people's backyards. At least I know he can smell me.

"You getting on, honey?" Janine, probably my best friend, asks while she scratches at her neckbeard.

"Just a second," I glare, "I gotta finish this _cigarette_ that I'm _smoking_." I exhale like The Crow. "Don't ask where I got it. I'm not eighteen." I grind the butt under my combat boot. "Not that I don't know people who are."

While she's silent with awe, I climb up onto the bus, only tripping once or twice. I give a cursory glance to the gathered maggots, watching them writhe in fear, albeit a little groggily since it's so early, and collapse slumpily into my favorite seat. The front one. From here, I can listen to the sweet rattle of Janine's breath through her traech, it soothes the beast. Slightly.

Turning to the side I observe my reflection through the grease smear my forehead just left. Still looking gooder than hell, I notice with a smirk. I hope the cuts on my arms have healed a bit, wouldn't want them bleeding on my angel when he collapses into them in an amorous faint.

…Shit, I just came.


End file.
